[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 1 -- BACK IN THE RED [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.4 18-20 February, 1999 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------] [Inside a vast, man-made structure] [-- 2 - Int. Small, cell-like room ----------------------------------------] [LISTER, RIMMER present] LISTER Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse! '"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."' God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants". There's some pictures of them here with the new-born. LISTER There's Argyle, and there's the baby. No no no no, *there's* Argyle, and *there's* the baby! I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first! LISTER An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet *he's* not gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably pretend to be dead! LISTER "Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?" It's not gonna work, is it? LISTER The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their nappies at the same time. LISTER Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know. I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you a lesson about maturity... LISTER All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it... LISTER All right, if I'm on, say nothing. I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready? All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed - I mean *medically needed* - a pint, I took some money from your purse. Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'. Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed them in after the Spanish Armada! LISTER Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess. Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea with a brand new teabag. Well, still, plenty of time to go. LISTER Remember Yvonne McGruder? You really liked her, didn't you? I used to go out with her, y'know. Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they? LISTER *Both cheeks, man*! She nearly wore them down to the *bone*! RIMMER *Will you shut up!* LISTER What did I tell you? Twenty big ones! RIMMER I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases! LISTER Well, talk to me then. RIMMER No. LISTER Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am - sorry! RIMMER No - you're - not! LISTER It was an accident! RIMMER An accident? You poured a hole tube of it over me, you disgusting, rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit. LISTER Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up. *Eighty-three*! [-- x - Interlude ---------------------------------------------------------] "3 DAYS EARLIER" [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT present, at his station at the helm, also presumed out-of-shot] [Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble. Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up, down, left, and right - miles in any direction.] CAT [VO] Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember... [CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and the tunnel walls. Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very *large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and through it's pillar-like legs] CAT [VO] Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..! [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER Hey guys! Look at my body! CAT There's an invitation that will *not* cause a stampede. LISTER No! It's back to normal. KRYTEN No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and Starbug appears to be expanding. KOCHANSKI It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking! LISTER It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just like my body! CAT We're being sucked into a vent! Can't fight it! KOCHANSKI Air vent walls closing in. KRYTEN We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert, sir. CAT Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert! KRYTEN But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir. CAT You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you! [Enter HOLLY] HOLLY All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses, or is this a bad time? LISTER Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death! HOLLY So that's a 'no', then, is it? KRYTEN Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back to normal! KOCHANSKI We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's happening. Things *are* back to normal! HOLLY You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of the ship, one word: The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit? KRYTEN Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come. LISTER How long have we got? KRYTEN About the time it takes to read a stop sign, sir. CAT That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting! KOCHANSKI What are our chances of getting out of here? KRYTEN About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks. LISTER I must admit, it's been a while since I did that. Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed to death under a gigantic trouser press! CAT Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like that! KOCHANSKI There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two minutes! KRYTEN What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to navigation, there's none finer! LISTER What's your view, Holl? HOLLY Straight up your nose when you lean in like that. LISTER Epsilon 14. KRYTEN There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's beating at an incredible rate! CAT You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating so fast. [The bug flies into the back of a rat] HOLLY I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed... [By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free] CAT According to the desk we've lost all engines! Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly? [The second bubble is torn off the ship] KRYTEN Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but we may have to have sandwiches for lunch! [the remaining piece of Starbug smashes into a storage hangar and comes to rest. Waiting only long enough for the crew to flee, the cockpit module then explodes messily. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits approach the survivors - two of them un-mask] SELBY Dave? LISTER Selby! Chen! Is it really you? CHEN Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check. Yeah, I think it's us. LISTER Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it! KRYTEN You know these people, sir? LISTER Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie! CAT How? KOCHANSKI The nano's must have resurrected *them* along with the ship. LISTER This is Chen. He works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby - and he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson? CHEN He couldn't make it. He's drunk! KRYTEN The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous, incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss! [Two more people, officers, arrive - one pushes LISTER away from his friends before stepping into view] HOLLISTER Mister Thornton, read them their rights. THORNTON David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski. Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid? LISTER Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch. [-- x - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP, marching double-time] LISTER, THORNTON Left - right - left - right - left - right! LISTER Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel! THORNTON Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? *Do you understand*!? LISTER Yes! THORNTON *"Yes -" what*!? LISTER "Yes, Mister... Shouty"..? THORNTON "YES - SIR"! [-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters --------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP] THORNTON Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - Halt! Lift arm. THORNTON At ease. [THORNTON attaches a security bracelet to LISTER's wrist] [Exit THORNTON, MP] [Enter HOLLY] HOLLY All right, dude. LISTER They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that way. I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then? HOLLY Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go home, I suppose. LISTER What happens to us, you divvy, not them! HOLLY Well if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig. LISTER What brig? HOLLY The brig on floor 13. LISTER There isn't a floor 13! HOLLY Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis. LISTER So who knew? HOLLY Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone. LISTER So what's it like, this brig? HOLLY Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with ensuite buckets. LISTER Smeggin' hell. HOLLY They call it The Tank. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all being transported to Adelphi 12. Presumably, they've all been resurrected too. LISTER What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they? HOLLY Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on file somewhere. Here we go: [HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green, tribal haircut and hundreds of studs and rings] NIGEL I'm Nigel. I'm nice! [HOLLY re-appears] HOLLY See what I mean? They're not all headbangers. Nige is lovely, though he does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet. [Enter RIMMER] LISTER Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up. The brig. Two years..! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex! RIMMER You hope! LISTER Rimmer! RIMMER Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick. LISTER God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh. RIMMER What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician! A zero! A nobody! LISTER This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots! RIMMER I died? LISTER Yeah. RIMMER All the crew died? LISTER Yeah. RIMMER And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my heaven? LISTER Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in stasis. Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the crew. RIMMER So where are they? LISTER Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth? RIMMER The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too. LISTER I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society. I need your help, man. RIMMER Me? LISTER Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk though that door, I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole of Bootle! RIMMER Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple of zillion volts is going to be easy street... [-- x - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf-------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] KOCHANSKI Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation. KRYTEN In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately benefitted us. We should take comfort in that. KOCHANSKI Like what? KRYTEN Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer acquired a hard light body. KOCHANSKI Benefit. KRYTEN And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly. KOCHANSKI Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met me! [KRYTEN stalks off] [Exit KRYTEN] [-- x - Int./Ext. Scene Desc ----------------------------------------------] [CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present] [Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER] CMO What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape? HOLLISTER That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that? CMO The coffee machine on G-deck. HOLLISTER That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser! CMO Is it true? HOLLISTER Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it. Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting. CMO The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks? HOLLISTER We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck. CMO But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space? HOLLISTER Nobody knows... [-- x - Int. Medical lab --------------------------------------------------] [CAT present] [Enter HOLLISTER, CMO] CMO We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this. [They look under the blanket covering CAT] HOLLISTER Has he got the measles? CMO Those are his nipples, Frank. HOLLISTER Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like? CAT Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano. CMO His internal organs are different too. HOLLISTER In what way? CMO His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated. And even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated. HOLLISTER This guy's intestines look better than my quarters. CMO His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler... CAT You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff, d-dff, d-dff, d-dff. Where's the tune in that? HOLLISTER Let me hear it. [Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb] CMO Also, his pulse is a different rhythm. [Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo breakbeat] HOLLISTER Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down onto a tape for me? [-- x - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------------] [LISTER, RIMMER present] LISTER Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these nanobots. RIMMER I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places! LISTER "Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"... RIMMER Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the engineering exam! LISTER "And become an officer"... RIMMER And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and breeding. LISTER Are you saying I haven't got those qualities? RIMMER Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks. LISTER I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I? RIMMER And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour generally don't take a polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under 'missing persons'. They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a French movie star". LISTER As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a French movie star. Way too good looking. RIMMER Don't expect help from me, Lister. LISTER But that was years ago... RIMMER It was last week! LISTER Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me. And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the advocar. I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet. RIMMER That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning the glass. LISTER It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing. RIMMER You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable. LISTER Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me. RIMMER Have you stopped playing the guitar? LISTER No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore. RIMMER How's that? LISTER I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it. I can help you... RIMMER Do what? LISTER Get promoted. RIMMER Preposterous! How? LISTER Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their strengths and weaknesses... RIMMER How? LISTER Well before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship. I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist, the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that? RIMMER I don't know. LISTER Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape. RIMMER I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to prove it to me first. LISTER You're on. RIMMER Get me promoted. LISTER You've got it. RIMMER Okay, deal. LISTER You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it. [-- x - Int./Ext. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------] [KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present] COUNSELLOR Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor, and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really good natter. KRYTEN My name is Kryten, sir. COUNSELLOR Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you? KRYTEN I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes. COUNSELLOR And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember? KRYTEN 2340 sir. COUNSELLOR Very good, 2340. Now, that's in the future, isn't it? KRYTEN Yes sir, I was created after you died. COUNSELLOR Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would you say I've been dead, altogether? KRYTEN Oh, you're not dead any more, sir. COUNSELLOR Aren't I? KRYTEN No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell? COUNSELLOR Right! I *was* alive, died, and then started living again..? KRYTEN You have been most fortunate sir! COUNSELLOR I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten? KRYTEN Er, yes, sir? COUNSELLOR Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring back to life again? KRYTEN You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little robots! COUNSELLOR 'Teenty little robots'? KRYTEN And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'! COUNSELLOR Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? It is still screwed down, isn't it? KRYTEN Er, yes, sir. COUNSELLOR With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground? KRYTEN Er, yes, sir. COUNSELLOR Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you programmed to do? KRYTEN Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type things: washing, cleaning, ironing. COUNSELLOR Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all? KRYTEN Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister. COUNSELLOR Mister Lister..? KRYTEN He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud! I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very fine hair cut!" You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity, even though I say so myself!" I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us"; happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!", and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with rudimentary mindless violence: KRYTEN That's a newie. I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing: KRYTEN As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like a dog with a caramel toffee. COUNSELLOR What is your relationship with Lister? KRYTEN I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd probably be normal. COUNSELLOR I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you? [The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend: RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS] [-- x - Int. Starbug wreckage ---------------------------------------------] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such] RIMMER Yes! [RIMMER locates two small vials] RIMMER Luck virus; sexual magnetism? [RIMMER activates HOLLY] RIMMER Holly, what's this? HOLLY Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus. RIMMER Sexual magnetism! HOLLY You gonna use it? RIMMER Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it works. Well, bottoms up! Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again! [A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"] [-- x - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------------] [Several female crewmembers present] [Enter RIMMER] WOMEN Hi, Arn... RIMMER Ladies! WOMEN Hi, Arnold... RIMMER The world loves a bastard! [Legend: "TO BE CONTINUED!"] [----------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED" -------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]