[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 6 -- PETE, part 1 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.4 26 March, 1999 Raz / raz@matrixcity.org http://www.matrixcity.org Credits for corrections: Brett Dunbar [-- 1 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 2 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- 3 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, GOVENOR ACKERMAN present] [ENTER LISTER, RIMMER] HOLLISTER I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday. RIMMER That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir - Oh, I *see*... HOLLISTER What happenned? LISTER We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler, sir. HOLLISTER Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit... RIMMER Permission to snigger, sir? HOLLISTER Permission refused. RIMMER May have to snigger anyway, sir... [The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that] HOLLISTER Do either of you have anything to say? LISTER About what, sir? HOLLISTER About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit? LISTER Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker. HOLLISTER You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you *want* to get out? Ever? LISTER It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... *horrible*, sir. ACKERMAN I am *not*, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with *inmate scum* who didn't have my start in life. RIMMER Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him: [-- 4 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------------x:xx--] [Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined up at the base of a circular chamber] ACKERMAN Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor 13. CAT Seems like a nice guy! [ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, thumps him several times with his nightstick, then hauls him to his to his feet] ACKERMAN If you want to speak, ask my permission. CAT I was just saying how nice you seemed! ACKERMAN You spoke again. [Enter WARDEN KNOT] [ACKERMAN and KNOT proceed to beat CAT with fists and nightsticks, drawing winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again] CAT But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you sometimes get running around prisons. [ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this soon passes in favour of an amused smile] ACKERMAN You spoke again! [He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the shoulder] CAT Come on, dude, back me up! [LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT suddenly realises something] CAT Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop hitting me. [CAT takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at working out this conundrum] CAT That is definitely the key! [CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummeling] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [HOLLISTER, ACKERMAN, RIMMER, LISTER present] ACKERMAN That is totally untrue, sir! HOLLISTER Save it. ACKERMAN What actually happenned - HOLLISTER Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman. I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play Basketball against a team of guards led by Mister Ackerman - ACKERMAN God bless you, sir. HOLLISTER - where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population. RIMMER But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp! HOLLISTER You better win, then! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. ---------------------------------Raz--x:xx--] [Lister's team losing badly, guards body-checking and punching them] [Half-time sounds] [Score 48-3 to guards] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Okay guys, way to go! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN Where were you? KOCHANSKI Where was I? KRYTEN You were supposed to be picking up Rice! KOCHANSKI I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday. KRYTEN Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny. CAT Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this! LISTER Got it all taken care of... RIMMER As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice... LISTER Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives? KRYTEN 'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!? LISTER That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn'd their drinks. RIMMER Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't wear off for seven hours. KRYTEN For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] KRYTEN [OOS] That's going to seriously slow them down. CAT [OOS] You're not kidding - [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] CAT Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Go on, go get 'em! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Dwarfer's team running rings round guards, who can't stand straight or move fast] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Come on! Get your hands up! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [48-5] [48-19] [48-36] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] HOLLISTER Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot! [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [48-42] [48-49] [48-53] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his trousers] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [Enter RIMMER, LISTER] HOLLISTER Seven hours. Do you know how *long* that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift! Where'd you get it, the medi-lab? LISTER Yes, sir. HOLLISTER How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed. LISTER It was, er - [coughs] It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab for a sicknote but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand. HOLLISTER First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my sight, both of ya's... [-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] [RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three- hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER] RIMMER Ha! [RIMMER carefully rotates the board 108-degrees, and flexes his arms before settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at] LISTER Sheesh... RIMMER Stuck? LISTER Yeah... God, this is hard! RIMMER What are you doing, a crossword? LISTER No, join-the-dots. RIMMER What number are you stuck on? LISTER Hundred and twenty-four. RIMMER Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four... Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five? LISTER I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm not some brain-dead simpleton. Ah! There it is. Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade! [LISTER holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection] LISTER Look at that, it's clever that, innit? [Enter GUARD] RIMMER Ah! Supper! [Exit GUARD] RIMMER Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure. RIMMER I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a total idiot would eat this. [RIMMER ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful] RIMMER They call this meat?? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in chip fat would taste better than this. LISTER We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics. RIMMER Because we're on punishment detail? LISTER Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it. RIMMER You waited until I was swallowing 'til you said that, didn't you. LISTER He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it. RIMMER Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal. LISTER His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness. RIMMER Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for fear of skid starts. [LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs] LISTER He's probably right. RIMMER Course he isn't. LISTER Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then? RIMMER I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese. LISTER Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath are always so cheap. RIMMER Cos of all the flushing planes? LISTER Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't hav