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Blazing Saddles Story


Mel Brooks
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Blazing Saddles Sounds

Lyle: C'mon boys! The way you's lollygagging around here with them picks and 'em shovels, you'd think it was a hundred and twenty degrees. Can't be more 'n a hundred and fourteen!
Cowboys: [laughter]
Lyle: Dock that chink a day's pay for napping on the job!
Cowboy: Yes sir!

Hedley Lamarr: Men! You are about to embark on a great crusade ... to stamp out run-away decency in the West. Now you will only be risking your lives, whilst I ... will be risking an almost certain Academy award nomination for best supporting actor.

Lamarr: As Attorney General I can assure you that a suitable sheriff will be found to restore the peace in Rock Ridge. Meeting is adjourned. [bangs gavel] Oh, I am sorry sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
Governor Le Petomane: What?
Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor: It is?
Lamarr: No, you say that, Governor.
Governor: What?
Lamarr: Meeting is adjourned.
Governor: It is?

Cowboy: Don't pay no attention to that alchey. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

Sheriff Bart: Well don't just sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How 'bout a little ... applause for the Waco Kid?

Sheriff Bart: Aufweidezein, baby.
[Lili Von Schtupp sighs, door slams]

Lamarr: Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.
Bandito: Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges.

Lamarr: Taggart!
Taggart: Yes sir?
Lamarr: I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.
Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down: I want rustlers, cutthraots, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, horse wagglers, horse thiefs, bullbags, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, and Methodists! [laughter]
Taggart: Could you repeat that, sir?

Cowboy: How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
Mr. Taggart: I'd say you've had enough.

Lili Von Schtupp: There. Isn't that better?

Sheriff Bart: Bitte, baby.

Jim the Waco Kid: Hey boys. Look what I got here.
Sheriff Bart: Hey - where the white women at?

The Blazing Saddles theme song.

Sheriff Bart: My work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the west. Wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets. Wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, and wherever a people cry out for justice.
Townspeople: Bullshit!

Mr. Taggart: Lyle! Get your rope, and get over there quick!
Lyle: Right, Mr. Taggart.
[sound of swinging lasso, and cart being pulled from quick sand]
Taggart: That's it! It's coming! ... Dang that was lucky. Dog gone near lost a four hundred dollar hand cart.

Sheriff Bart: Hey. What's happening in the clean world?

Lili Von Schtupp: Velcomen, bienvenue, velcome, come on in.

Lili Von Schtupp: Won't you excuse me for a moment while I ... slip into something a little bit more ... comfortable?

Lili Von Schtupp [singing]: I've been with thousands of men. Again and again, they promise the moon. They're always coming and going, and going and coming, and always too soon.

Indian Chief: Hus du gezen in deine leiben, they darker than us. Woof!
(In Yiddish this means: Have you ever seen anything like this in your life?)

Sheriff Bart: I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.
Jim the Waco Kid: Gee, in another 25 years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

Governor Le Petomane: These things are defective.

Mr. Taggart: I am depressed.

Sheriff Bart: Well once I establish myself in this here town, Deputy Spade might turn out to be a groovy position.

Taggart: Does anybody got a dime?
Cowboys: [Murmuring]
Taggart: Somebody's got to go back and get a shitload of dimes.

Sheriff Bart: Oh lordy lord! He's desperate. Do what he say! Do what he say!

A crude assortment of bodily sounds, made by the cowboys eating beans.
Cowboy: God dang! Jes'!
Lyle: How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
Mr. Taggart : I'd say you've had enough.

Lamarr: Where's my froggy? Where's my froggy?!
Taggart: I don't know! I didn't see it when I come in.
Lamarr: Well look, damn your eyes, look for it!

Lamarr: Daddy loves froggy. Froggy love daddy?
[squeak, squeak]

Sheriff Bart: Good morning ma'am. And isn't it a lovely morning?
Little Old Lady: Up yours, nigger!

Gabby Johnson: Hell, I was born here, an' I was raished here, an' dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

Lili Von Schtupp: Tell me Schotzie. Is it twue what they say about the way the way you people are ...gifted? [Sounds of zipper being unzipped] Oh, it's twue, it's twue, it's twue, it's twue!

Mr. Taggart: What have you got in your mouth?
Gum Chewer: Nothing.
Mr. Taggart: Nothing, eh? Lyle.
Lyle: Gum.
Mr. Taggart: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.

Lili Von Schtupp: Hello handsome. Is that a ten gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
Cowboys: [Laughter]

Sheriff Bart: Baby, please, I am not from Havannah.

Cowboy: Hold it, hold it. What the hell is that shit?

Olson Johnson: Never mind that shit. Here comes Mongo!

Governor Le Petomane: Holy underware! Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We've got to protect our phony baloney jobs, gentlemen. We must do something about this, immediately, immediately, immediately!
Reporters, Taggart and the Governor: Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!
Governor: I didn't get a 'harrumph' out of that guy!
Lamarr: Give the governor a 'harrumph!'
Reporter: Harrumph!
Governor: You watch your ass.

Charlie: Yoohoo! You shifty niger. They said you was hung!
Sheriff Bart: And they was right!

Sheriff Bart: Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just 24 hours. That's all I ask.
Townspeople: No!
Sheriff Bart: You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
Townspeople: Randolph Scott! [Singing as a chorus] Randolph Scott!
Howard Johnson: All right Sheriff. 24 hours.

Olson Johnson: All right. We'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish.
Townspeople: [Murmuring]

Mr. Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them that I said [sound of him getting hit over the head] 'Ow!'
Lyle: Send wire main office tell them I said 'Ow'. Gotcha.

Reverend Johnson: Oh Lord. Do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?
Townspeople: Amen.
Reverend: Amen.

Mr. Taggart: I know how we can run everybody out of Rock Ridge.
Mr. Lamarr: How?
Mr. Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household!
Mr. Lamarr: Too Jewish.

Sheriff Bart: What's your name?
Jim the Waco Kid: Well my name is Jim, but most people call me ... Jim.

Dr. Samuel Johnson: Olson Johnson is right. What kind of people are we anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out!
Gabby Johnson: [indistinct]
Howard Johnson: Dr. Samuel Johnson's right about Olson Johnson being right. And I'm not giving up my ice cream parlor, that I built with these two hands, for nothing or nobody.
Sam Johnson: Howard Johnson is right!
Van Johnson: Right!
Howard Johnson: Thank you, Van.

Mr. Lamarr: Kinky.

Jim: No, no. Don't do that. Don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad.

Sheriff Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to die.
Jim the Waco Kid: When?

Bart: Why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo go?
Mongo: Don't know. Mongo only pawn in game of life.

Mongo: Mongo like candy.

Jim: You've gotta remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the New West. You know ... morons.

Governor Le Petomane: Wow! I've got to talk to you, come here. Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that that man is a ni'?

Sheriff Bart: All right folks, I know you're a bit confused wondering what you're doing out in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night.
Townspeople: You bet your ass.

Howard Johnson: As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new ... [sound of horses] nigger.

Taggart: Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks!

[sound of fighting]
Buddy Bizarre: CUT! What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!
Taggart: Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks!
Buddy: Not in the face!
[sound of Buddy getting punched in stomach, followed by women's screams]
Buddy: Thank you.

Sheriff Bart: What are your pleasures? What you like to do?
Jim the Waco Kid: Oh, I don't know. Play chess, screw.
Bart: Well let's play chess.

[bubbling sound]
Sheriff Bart: Hey Charlie?
Charlie: Hmmmh?
Bart: Let me ask you something.
Charlie: Mmm.
Bart: What is it that's not exactly water ...
Charlie: Mmmh.
Bart: And it ain't exactly earth?
Bart and Charlie: QUICKSAAAAAAND!
[sound of galloping horse]
Taggart: Oh shit, quicksand. God dang, now we are in trouble.
Bart: They in trouble.
Charlie: Mmmhm.

Lamarr: Qualifications?
Outlaw: Rape, murder, arson and rape.
Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Outlaw: I like rape.

Sheriff Bart: Well raise my rent.

Taggrt: Well that's where we go a riding into town. A whomping and a womping. Every living thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the womenfolks, of course.
Lammar: You spare the women?
Taggart: No, we rape the shit out of them at the number six dance later on.
Lamarr: Marvelous! That's so creative.
Taggart: Ow!

Governor: Help me in with this. Help me in with this. Help me in with this.
Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
Governor: That was a very good suggestion. Thank you.
Lamarr: All right.

Jim: Little bastard shot me in the ass.

Townspeople: [singing] Now is a time of great decision.
Are we to stay or up and quit?
There's no avoiding this conclusion,
our town is turning into shit.
Reverend Johnson: Be seated.

Little Old Lady: Good evening Sheriff.
Sheriff Bart: Good evening.
Lady: Sorry about the 'Up yours, nigger.'

Mr. Taggart: What in the wide, wide world of sports is a going on here? I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

Harriet Johnson: You are the leading asshole in the state!

Jim: What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

Lili Von Schtupp: Will I see you later?
Sheriff Bart: Well it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

Lammar: Now go do ... that vodoo ... that you do ... so well!

Jim the Waco Kid: I don't know if you've ever heard of me before, but ... I used to be called ... the Waco Kid.
Sheriff Bart: The Waco Kid. He had the fastest hands in the West.
Jim: In the world.

Governor: You watch your ass.
Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
Governor: Well put.
Lamarr: Thank you very much sir.

Sheriff Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out.
Townspeople: [A woman screams] Ahh.

Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: Gol darnit Mr. Lamarr. You use your tongue prettier'n a twenty dollar whore.

Sheriff Bart: Man why you do that to yourself?
Jim: Ah ha ha, no you don't really want to know that.
Bart: I do. I do.
Jim: Well, if you must pry ...
Bart: I must! I must!

Governor Le Petomane: Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. Hello boys. Have a good night's rest? I missed you.

Lyle: C'mon, how 'bout a good ol' nigger work song?

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Last updated: June 1, 2002
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