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Spaceballs Story


Mel Brooks
Movie Site

Space Balls Sounds

President Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5.
President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes.
President Skroob: That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!

Ape #1: Dear me! What are those things coming out of her nose?
Ape #2: Spaceballs?
Ape #1: Oh shit. There goes the planet!

Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Gunner: Sorry, Sir. Doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did, Sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole, Sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, Sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole, too, Sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?
Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! Keep firing, assholes!

President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, Sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

Dark Helmet: Come back, you fat, bearded, bitch!

Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends. And I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

Lone Starr: Uh oh! Here comes the Bad Year Blimp!

Dark Helmet: My brains are going into my feet!

Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good.
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em.

Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, you better buckle up.
Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this!

Dot Matrix: Hey! Stop looking up my can!

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to.....ludicrous speed!
Crew: Huh?? Huh??
Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

Dark Helmet: I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that.
Crew: Of course we do, Sir.

Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.

Computer: This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.

Lone Starr: Ah. Thank you.
Dinks: DDDink dink.
Lone Starr: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
Dinks: Dink dink.....

Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): Princess Vespa. At last I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): No, no, please, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): No, you are mine!
Dark Helmet (as Lone Starr Doll): Not so fast, Helmet!
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): Lone Starr.
Dark Helmet (as Lone Starr Doll): Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, Honey!

Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): Oh, no! I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone! Yet, I find you strangely attractive.
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it.

Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): Oh, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): No, kiss me.
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): No, no! Yes! No!
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): No!
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): Yes! No! Yes! [moaning] Ah oh oh uh oh. Oh, your helmet is so big!

[sound of door being thrown open]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: What?
Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge Sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Sandurz: Yes sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Sandurz: No sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good.

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa. Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids!
Lone Starr: Mmm. That's all we needed. A Druish Princess.
Barf: Funny. She doesn't look Druish.

Dark Helmet: If there's one thing I despise it is a fair fight.

Princess Vespa: Ah! Oh, oh.
Dark Helmet: Fooled you.

The song sung by the alien creature as he dances down the bar at the interstellar diner.

Dark Helmet: Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

Crew: Hail Skroob!

Princess Vespa: Ah! My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch! [sound of wild laser fire] ...How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad, for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.

Dark Helmet: Bet she gives great helmet.

Lone Starr: Buckle up back there. We're going into ... hyperactive.

Lone Starr: On this ship you're to refer to me as 'idiot,' not 'you captain'!

Officer: Make way for Dark Helmet.
Colonel Sandurz: All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
[sound of marching and music]
[sound of breathing]
Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing!

Radar Technician: Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be ... jammed!
Dark Helmet: Jammed. ... Raspberry.

Colonel Sandurz: Let's get moving.
Troop Leader: Yes sir. Prepare to move out.
Dark Helmet: What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go!
Troop Leader: Just go.

Yogurt: Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all?

President Skroob: Ah, planet Druidia. And ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: The way he runs things it won't last a hundred.

Barf: I'm a Mawg. Half man-half dog. I'm my own best friend.

Lone Starr: At last we meet, for the first time for the last time.

Lone Starr: We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shitload of money!

Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz. May I speak with you please.
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir.
Dark Helmet: How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Sandurz: That's true sir. But there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet: Nahh.
Video Operator: Here it is, Sir. Spaceballs!

Soldier: No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please, no, no, no, not that!
Dark Helmet: Yes. That.

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, Sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
DH: What happened to then?
CS: We passed it.
DH: When?
CS: Just now. We're at now, now.
DH: Go back to then!
CS: When?
DH: Now!
CS: Now?
DH: Now!
CS: We can't!
DH: Why?
CS: We missed it.
DH: When?
CS: Just now.
DH: When will then be now?
CS: Soon.
DH: How soon?
Technician: Sir!
DH: What?!
Tech: We've identified their location!
DH: Where?!
Tech: It's the moon of Vega.
CS: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival!
DH: When?!
Tech: Nineteen hundred hours, Sir!
CS: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners!
DH: WHO??!! [ mask falls in front of face]

Dark Helmet: Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!

Dark Helmet: I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Seargent Ricco: I already called him, Sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Ricco: Well not exactly over, Sir. Uh, m-more to the side.

Lone Starr and Barf: Pizza the Hut!
Pizza the Hut: Well if it isn't LoneStarr and his sidekick Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.

Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, Sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Technician: You know, the bleeps [makes bleep noise],the sweeps [sweep noise] and the creeps [creep noise].
Dark Helmet: That's not all he's lost.

Yogurt: Huch huch hudit mu much much m huc huch.
Lone Starr: You can read it?
Yogurt: No, I was just clearing my throat!

Dark Helmet: The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof. What's with you man? C'mon!

Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing.

Dark Helmet: And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.

Yogurt Doll: May the Schwartz be with you.

Dark Helmet: Ludicrous speed ... Go!

Commander: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!

Dark Helmet, President Skroob, and Colonel Sandurz: Suck ... suck ... suck!

Colonel Sandurz: It's MegaMaid. She's gone from suck to blow.

The Spaceballs theme.

Dark Helmet: Shit. I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!

Lone Starr: You know something Princess? You are ugly when you're angry.

Prison Guard 1: Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!
Prison Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us too!
[sound of lasers charging]

Dark Helmet: Now, commence operation 'VacuSuck.'

Dot Matrix: That, was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

Lone Starr: What the hell was that? ... Space Ball One.

Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!
Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!
Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!
Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain yogurt.

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Last updated: June 1, 2002
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